“Sorry, Not Tonight?” Managing Desire Discrepancies Between Partners

Let’s talk desire discrepancy.

Talking about sex, for some, can feel tricky as we’re often navigating the vulnerability and taboo societal projections. Therefore, you can imagine talking about “sexual problems” feels even harder. Sexual difficulties in relationships are often exacerbated due to months or years of misalignment without proper communication. There is often at least one person who feels that the “experience doesn’t meet the expectation.” In other words, sex is not meeting a sexual script they have; frequency, type of sex, etc., and it's typically communicated once they are frustrated, projecting onto their partner(s), or through sexual avoidance. It’s no fun to feel shamed because your desire level is different than your partner's. It’s no fun to feel rejected because your desire level is different than your partner’s. Sexual desire exists on a spectrum. We all have different desire levels. So, for those exhausted by sexual projections about “higher vs lower libido”...I see you. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling a part of you needs “fixing.” For those seeking to do just that, this is where we part ways because this blog is not for you. However, as a couple, if you’re seeking to explore your sexual scripts, understand what desire discrepancy is, and rewire how you perceive pleasure...you’ve landed in the right place.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire Discrepancy refers to one partner desiring sex with a significantly higher frequency than the other person(s). Before you run off to diagnose yourself or someone else, desire discrepancy is not a sexual disorder or dysfunction. In fact, this dynamic takes place in many relationships regardless of sexual orientation.

Nonetheless, desire discrepancies can impact both the higher and lower desiring partner, triggering feelings such as:

• rejection - one person no longer feels desired by the other.

• guilt/shame - inadequacy for not having a “normal” desire level.

• avoidance - avoiding the heaviness of “letting down” the other person.

Understanding Sexual Scripts.

The honeymoon stage of most relationships is what couples tend to reminisce about most. Particularly, about “how good sex used to be in the beginning.” So much so, some have repeated similar acts (scripts) in hopes of yielding the outcome of sex. Well, this could be considered a sexual script. Think of sexual scripts as internal guides dictating what should take place, be felt, desired, societal projections, and more during a sexual encounter. And, perhaps you’re thinking, “planning never hurts.” In most instances, you’d be correct; however, sexual scripts can prevent fluidity, attunement, and sexual exploration, all while creating unrealistic expectations surrounding sex. Imagine having a great sexual experience, the type where you could go for a cigarette, although you don’t smoke. Only for the other person to invalidate it because you didn’t orgasm in the way they’d hoped. Mood changer, right! Don’t let sexual scripts impact your sexual relationship(s). Remember, what sparks a desire response for you doesn’t have to do the same for your partner(s). Instead of mourning the sexual relationship of old, be open to exploring what brings you pleasure currently. I assure you, it has changed since the honeymoon days.

Navigating Desire Discrepancies In Your Relationship.

There are moments where sexual intimacy and the desire to engage are outside of our control. This is not to be misinterpreted as a lack of consent. All sexual encounters should have consent. I’m referring to the psychological aspects that can impact desire levels and are outside of one’s control. These may include:

• health factors

• mental health factors

• work stress

• relational stress

• medications

• sexual pain

• hormones

Sex is more than a single act that didn’t go according to “plan.” It’s normalizing the full spectrum of your sexual health and how it impacts your overall well-being as a person. If you’re experiencing desire discrepancies in your relationship, be sure to;

• Normalize what you and your partner(s) are experiencing ; address your different experiences; emotionally turn toward one another.

• Create a consistent space for sexual health communication without judgment; discuss desire discrepancies outside of moments of grievance.

• be open to exploring new forms of sexual and non-sexual intimacy; challenge traditional sexual narratives.

• Identify if a sex therapist could be beneficial; a therapist can help with communication barriers, stuck areas, and sexual expectations.

Like it or not, desire discrepancies exist in most relationships. However, its impact doesn’t have to feel suffocating to your relationship. In fact, when patience, open communication, and the willingness to explore are present, relationships are able to rewire their sexual scripts and find balance.

Is desire discrepancies a factor in your relationship? See if relational therapy is for you.